Toxic

Envy.
Money.
Bitterness.

It's the perfect storm of toxic people. I, myself, have struggled with this and have been having a little too much envy of people able to get married. It's one of the biggest things that I have been struggling with. I know God will take care of us, and I have total faith. But, there is always a "but." I can't doubt what He is doing in my life. I must trust. And be positive. I MUST be postive. I can be so negative sometimes and I do not know where is comes from. I guess from the toxic childhood I came from. It wasnt' bad, much better than some, I must say, but my father was always this way. I have strived to be so much unlike him, but sometimes, I just revert back to him.

I must get back to the way things are, and forget about the past. I must leave that behind. I have to start living for now and not pay for the mistakes my father made. I have to. It's so easy to be careless, and hard enough to pay attention to what I am doing to other people. I must be conscious of what I am doing. If I am not careful, I will make the same mistake my father did - I will not let that happen.