Let it be...

Whew, what a whirl wind of feelings and emotions that have gone through my mind and heart the past few weeks! They have been very bittersweet and pondering. Not only did my grandmother come within 24 hours of dying, but Chris and I made the lifelong committment of marriage. Maw Maw was placed in hospice, but she has actually improved over the last few weeks since the wedding. She was not able to make it to the wedding, but she was there in spirit...and by a cell phone. My uncle took out his cell phone with her picture on it and sat it up on the pew so that she could see us get married. I also didn't find out until recently that she had been saving and collecting a set of dishes for me for when I got married. So, daddy and Chris helped move her china cabinet to our apartment and I put those dishes in it. I just can't sit her in the dining room at this computer and not think about her and all the history around that cabinet and the love she put into collecting those dishes. I cannot put into words how it makes me feel...no bad feelings, just a little bit of emptiness here and there and a little bit of joy. Again, the feelings that are so bittersweet...like a lot of things. You have to let it be...God is in control. I'm not sure what His plans are with Maw Maw, but she's still here to finish something or another.

I miss her so much...

Married life is great! We've prepared ourselves very well for this big step, and along with our pastor, who recently resigned earlier this month, we have built our relationship around the basis of God and how He intends marriage. It's tough, but well worth it. Here are some pictures...

Coming along...

So the apartment is coming along slowly but surely! We have our table and chairs, sofa, tv, and bed set up. We are just waiting on our mattress to come in next week and the bedroom will be almost complete! The house still looks naked, but it's going to have to for a while because it's just so hard to furnish all at once! We did find some super cheap curtains at Big Lots and we opened them up and they actually came from Target! Heck yea! Of course, with the good comes the bad...turns out our new microwave's leg is bent and it wobbles. But leave it to my handy man to give it a temporary fix by cardboard! And trust me, we have a LOT of cardboard! We have a pile sitting by the trash can of nothing but cardboard boxes that our things have come out of! Which is a blessing to see how much stuff we have accumulated already from our family and friends! We still don't have a garbage can to take out to the road...since Monroe Utilities won't drop it by! Grr. We also do not have an ice maker, so I'm proud to say that we are living in the stone age with ice trays. But at least we have working appliances. We still do not have our washer and dryer, and we may end up having to go buy one. But things are coming together, and it's all in God's hands!

Maw Maw came home from Heritage Eastside Tuesday back to Park Place. I'm not quite sure if it was a good transition as change really sets her off and causes her to have worse days than normal. Paw Paw always looks hopeful that she will be having a good day, but it's so hard to see him when she is not. I wish she would get better and I hate the dementia does this to people....such suffering. I have faith in God that He will take her up when He is ready. I'm sure she still has something left here on earth to complete.

Emotions

There are so many emotions going on in my head right now. Not only are Chris and I trying to move some of our stuff into our apartment, but today and tomorrow there will be memorials for Joseph. It still doesn't seem real. He was such an inspiration to those around him and had such a presence about him. His body will be brought through Monroe this afternoon between 4 and 5, but I will not be able to attend because we have to pick up that blasted washer and dryer in Morrow. I'm not complaining, but timing is horrible! At least mom and I will be able to go to visitation tomorrow during our lunch.

Also, I meant to update this weekend, but Maw Maw looked pitiful Friday when we went to go see her. She definitely didn't look like herself. She had given herself a black eye on one eye, and cut her other one with a tray that her food was on. I just cannot believe how much she has changed within the last 3 weeks. She went from a normal functioning, bathing, feeding herself person, to someone that cannot comprehend her surroundings. It's the most heartbreaking thing I believe I have ever seen. I try my best to not question God and His plan, but why allow her to suffer like this? She has peace with herself and I have no doubt where she is going. I can't question, just trust that He knows the right timing for all of us.

As I mentioned before, Chris and I get our keys to our apartment today and will start moving things in little by little. Chris will move in once we get our bed and then I will move in once we get married. It's stressful, but I wouldn't rather have it any other way!

Back and Forth

So, yea, I'm wishy washy. We both are. So many things have been going on at once, but we have decided to wait and get married October 30th. Some of you may know that we were considering just getting married one night at the church in the coming weeks by our preacher with our parents there, but we have decided against it. We want to share it with our closest family and friends and we want it to be memorable. We don't want to regret not having those that are most important to us there. So, therefore, it's still going to be a very small wedding (we're talking less than 100 people), but it's still going to be how we like it. That is our final decison and we are sticking to it! Chris is going to live in the apartment by himself and with Jaxon until we get hitched, then I will move in. Yay! Only 50 days!

On a sad note, the world has lost a wonderful man: 1st Lt. Joseph Helton. He was killed in Iraq when his vehicle ran over a roadside bomb. I graduated with him and he will be greatly missed. I still can't believe that he is no longer here. He had such a presence when you were in the same room with him. Rest in peace, Joseph.

Holy blessings from God! I'm trying to put Him first in our money situation. This is something that I am struggling with right now. I am trying to find peace with it.

Decisions, decision...

Why has it been so hard to make decisions lately? It just seems like our life has been nothing but a whirl-wind of feelings and emotions. From finding our apartment to thinking about Maw Maw, it has been hard! Chris and I did a personality test with our preacher last week at our pre-marital session. We had to mark 1-4 in a group of adjectives that best described ourselves. In one of the group of words was the word indecisive. That is one word that I AM! I, of course, placed a 4 for that word since it best described me. I'm not exactly sure why I'm so wishy washy...maybe I'm just worried that something will not work out that way that I want it to and it will get screwed up. I accuse Chris of being wishy washy, but I'm the true culprit. In our Sunday School class our teacher was talking about in a marriage there are things that one of us cannot do that they other can do perfectly. Maybe that's my flaw. I hate that being a flaw because there are so many decisions to make in so little time that will effect our lives forever. Maybe I'm just being too dramatic. I can get that way sometimes as well. Anywho, the purpose of my rambling is that we have decided to go ahead with our original date for our wedding, which is October 30th. We do not want to regret not being able to share this special day with our friends and family. This is it. Our decision.

We also got a new puppy Friday night. Mom has been so sad that Jaxon will be leaving when I move out that Mike wanted to get her a "replacement" Jaxon Bo. So, Chris and I drove down to Fort Valley/Macon to get Jasper Lee, an 11-week-old red dachshund. He is so precious! Pictures will definitely be coming soon!

Busy Bees

This week and weekend are going to be so hectic! Chris and I are going to pick up the newest addition to my mom's family.... a mini dachshund! Mom decided to name him Jasper and figured it would be a good replacement for Jaxon Bo since he's moving with me and Chris when we move into our apartment. Poor Jaxon, he won't be the baby anymore! We are thoroughly tickled about picking him up tonight and cannot wait to get him home and love on him!
Tomorrow, I have to take him to the vet to get him checked out of course and then tomorrow night, we are FINALLY getting to hang out with Brittany and David! Things have been so crazy lately, I think I sometimes forget to breathe. Hopefully Monday we will be able to rest and catch up on things. I have wedding showers the next three weekends in a row, be it mine or friends!

Heritage Eastside told mom today that they were thinking about releasing Maw Maw the first of next week...and we are both sick and they will not allow us in if we sick, so we have to get better so that we can see her...soon! I miss her and I know I don't need to go up there with my nose running and sneezing and what not.

Please enjoy the pictures of us and Maw Maw and Paw Paw.

Downhill?

I know God gives us peace about things, but why is it still hard to let go of our human lives when we clearly know that Jesus tells us that will have such better things await us above? God promises us that when we get to Heaven, there will be no more suffering, illness, and, of course, sin. But it's so hard for us to give up what we have here on earth. Our earthly belongings....something that belongs to us. Something that we think we own. But it's all in God's timing to where and when it's our time to go. I have no doubt that when this day comes (we all know that's it is inevitably going to happen to us one day or another), that I will be ready to walk...no, run, into the arms of my Savior. I have been struggling with peace about this for my grandmother. I have no doubt that she will go to Heaven, but when she goes, it will be hard to let go of her here on earth. I say to myself and to others that I have peace about it, but do I? This wonderful woman is a true part of me through and through. She helped raise me because when mom and dad were at work during the summers, that is where I stayed. She let us do some of the craziest things, and I can't help but sit back and think of the glorious days I had with her and Paw Paw. We were all sitting at dinner tonight talking of all the good meals that she used to cook us and how she would make us any cake we wanted for our birthday and Christmas. Oh, those salmon patties! :) Haha...what ever she touched was good and yummy! Tonight when we went to visit her at Heritage Eastside, we was sitting there moving her hands in the delicate motion as if she she was sewing. Mom and I both regretted for a brief moment that we ever went to go see her. Well, no. I do not regret it. Because, every little moment that I have with her here on earth is precious, even though she may not remember me, I will remember her always. And her beautiful white hair.

Chris and I just completed our second counseling session with our pastor, who instructed us to learn about our love languages. This is turning out well, and some of the mis-communications that we have had the past are all coming into light now that we are getting to know each others languages. Now all we have to learn is the certain dialects! It just gets better and better everyday getting to know my future husband a little more.

Pre-marital

Chris and I started our pre-marital counseling through the pastor that is going to marry us this October. It was eye-opening and actually a great experience, and we can't wait to finish our next 3 sessions. Our homework for this week is to independently derive a budget. Hmm, that should be interesting. That's one thing that we have done, but we really haven't concentrated on it at this point because we haven't put our finances together. And it makes me feel selfish. I realize that this will not be mine, or my stuff, it's OURS. Wow, that's a big step. And this Coach purse is staring at me. Geez. So, I'm going to make my budget, figure in all that we have to spend and everything. I wonder how different Chris's is going to be. Hmm. Monday we will bring out budgets together and make one....how wonderful! A great start, but I have to admit, I'm a little scared, which I guess is normal starting a whole new chapter in your life with someone else. We also realized last night through talking to Charles that we really don't know each other. Well, we always new that, but it just sunk in a little further last night. I think about the scene in "Fireproof" when Caleb's co-worker tells him that you can never stop learning about woman. And that's true also with a man. Chris and I are both scared, but I told him that I wouldn't want to experience this with anyone else but him and God. It's not going to be easy by no means, but it will be worth it in the end. I will keep you updated on our other sessions.

What a week!

So it has pretty much been a busy week, rather busy month! Monday we placed Maw Maw in a nursing home, and boy has that been a trial. She was okay the first day, but yesterday she did not sleep for about 48 hours and was out of control. She has gotten to the point where she doesn't know anything going on around her, and she does not know us most of the time. It's the saddest think I have ever seen. I can't help but feel emotional every time I think of it. But as they say, crying is a language only God knows. He knows what I'm feeling and I know He has given us all peace about this. It's definitely one of the hardest things my family has been through, but God will see us through it. This will make the walk in October more appreciating once I have completed it.

On a lighter note, Chris and I are signing the lease to our first apartment together this Saturday! We had to move the wedding date up AGAIN because he is joining the Air Force. We went last night to talk to the recruiter and she basically told him that he needed lose about 15 more lbs. and to practice the math more on the ASVAB. That's the only thing that is killing him is the math. I told him that if he can memorize car parts, gun parts, and parts of an airplane, then he can most definitely do some algebra!

I have been looking back over where the past 2 years have brought us. We have been through so much already, and I cannot imagine my life without him. We have laughed, cried, and everything in between, and we have still managed to make it through everything. Now, it's the next step in our life: marriage and the Air Force. I wonder where God is going to take us next? We are hoping Germany, but that probably won't happen. We would like to go there before we have kids so that we can experience that now. I'm not worried about where we will be...where ever he is, I will be, so as long as we are together!

In other news, it's official...there is a Lacy Street Gang in Monroe! Haha! Too funny seeing as we had a trial yesterday with some juveniles that were supposedly throwing up some "L" signs with their hands that apparently represents this gang. Ah, Monkeyroe.... :)

Just some thought.

I have decided to walk for the Alzheimer's Association on October 17, 2009 in honor of my grandmother, Orene P. Head. I never thought when I was a little girl that she would develop such a debilitating disease that would steal her memories and thoughts away. My goal is to raise at least $500. She is such a wonderful, beautiful woman. I'm surprised that a lot of people are not wanting to donate and try to end such a horrifying disease. Yes, I know that breast cancer affects many many people, but Alzheimer's is becoming one of the leading causes of death of people, including many under the age of 65! It's not very commercialized at breast cancer and people need to be aware of this!

I'm trying to get this information out there for people to realize, but I really don't know if it's a true concern; at least, until someone in their family is diagnosed. It was never a concern for me...until Maw Maw was diagnosed.

So many of these people suffer, and if I could have one wish, it would be to rid the world of this sickness. Please go to this site if you would like to donate:
http://memorywalk09.kintera.org/athens/shelnutt?faf=1&e=2594972919

What Do You Expect?

“Then he touched their eyes and said, ‘According to your faith will it be done to you’; and their sight was restored” (Matthew 9:29–30)

God will touch you and let you know what your calling is in life, but you have to have the will and drive to accomplish your dreams and your calling. This is something that not I, but Chris has been struggling with. This is our blog, and would like to share what we are struggling with.

Chris has come to the determination that he wants to join the Air Force. This has been a continuous option since he first lost his job in February from Akins. He considered it, but still continued to look for work here while receiving unemployment. He found a job at Academy Sports in Athens, but he feels like he's at a "dead end" working here, just as he did at Akins. He is not satisfied with himself and does not feel that he is accomplishing his purpose. He has the drive to commit to something that will not only be a sacrifice for he and I, but will allow him to really achieve what he wants in life. It will boost his self-esteem and fulfill his feeling of self-worth. I will have to, of course, quit my job and move where ever he goes. My new motto: "Home is where my husband is." Even though he's not technically my husband yet, he will be.

Please pray about our decisions. It's scary for both of us, but we will get through it.

Alzheimer's

Sometimes I wonder why God invented such debilitating diseases that affect millions in this world? What is the purpose of it? Alzheimer's Disease is one the leading causes of death among elderly people. What causes it? No one really knows. It has been linked to aluminum...which is in a number of things: Coke cans, deodorant, etc. But the CDC does not regulate this at all. It is at such a high number now than ever before. Maybe because people are living to be older?

My grandmother, Orene Head, has this horrible disease. She began about 9 years ago when she first lost her sense of smell and things have gone down hill ever since. She has always been a great and wonderful cook; this disease made her forget the simplest ingredients. She has had a love for my grandfather, Preston, since they were 16 and 17 years of age. This disease has caused her to forget him at times and even be afraid of him. She thinks family members (Aunt Nora and her mother, Mary) come to visit her on a regular basis. We have to tell them to go home and leave her alone. Sometimes, the things she does is humorous...you have to laugh at some of the things she does, like putting the dish detergent in the refrigerator, or the oven rack next to the washer. But it has continued to get worse. Things started progressing even worse when her sister, Rachel, died in March of 2007. Oh, how this broke her heart!

I remember when I was little, they would talk with each other everyday about things that was going on in their lives. They would see each other and visit with each other everyday. MawMaw always let Daniel and me do the craziest things - like jump on the beds, play kick ball in the house, build tents with blankets and chairs in the living room, and she would even get down under them with us even though her knees would be hurting her that day. She would cook anything you would ask, and make us fake snuff so that we could be like her...(oh, how we didn't know that snuff was really bad!) She would mix up cocoa and sugar and we would dip it just like her! She tought me how to make biscuits and how to be a good person. When I would leave the house, she would always say "remember who you are...you are a Head." I have always remembered that.

Things you take for granted everyday...
How they are so important once you realize what you have lost.
She is still alive, but it's so hard watching them die.
And she is only getting worse, day by day.
Please God, give us direction and give her peace.

She knows in her heart what is right and who we are, even though her mind tells her otherwise.

Blessing

Wow. That is all I can say right now. I had such a good feeling and faith that God would provide, and He did! He really did! Chris is now working and we could not be happier that this was the true work of God. I believe this is the hardest thing and situation that we have had to deal with, but we have made it through. We really made it through. This is just living proof that if you maintain faith through thick and thin, then you will always make it through. God has truly blessed us and we will see next what is in store for us. A wedding in October? Maybe, we will see.

I am in true awe right now of the amazing power of God. It has made me fall in love with him all over again! I love that feeling, of falling in love with my Savior all over again...it's so replenishing. And we networked, asking our fellow friends and family to pray at 2. Like my grandmother always said, "When two pray together, the prayer will be answered."

Toxic

Envy.
Money.
Bitterness.

It's the perfect storm of toxic people. I, myself, have struggled with this and have been having a little too much envy of people able to get married. It's one of the biggest things that I have been struggling with. I know God will take care of us, and I have total faith. But, there is always a "but." I can't doubt what He is doing in my life. I must trust. And be positive. I MUST be postive. I can be so negative sometimes and I do not know where is comes from. I guess from the toxic childhood I came from. It wasnt' bad, much better than some, I must say, but my father was always this way. I have strived to be so much unlike him, but sometimes, I just revert back to him.

I must get back to the way things are, and forget about the past. I must leave that behind. I have to start living for now and not pay for the mistakes my father made. I have to. It's so easy to be careless, and hard enough to pay attention to what I am doing to other people. I must be conscious of what I am doing. If I am not careful, I will make the same mistake my father did - I will not let that happen.

Now.

So, now I'm at a point in my life where I can start becoming the person that I want to be. I have been blessed with a wonderful job that does not cause a lot of stress, but it is demanding, which I love. I have been blessed with a wonderful man that does nothing but support and encourage me. Even though we struggle constantly, we always manage to pull through because of our spirituality.

Chris lost his job back in February, and it has been a constant struggle with envy and jealousy of others that are able to get married. Chris and I got engaged back in October, and we were working on everything and ready to get married this October. I know I have to let that envy go, but I just wonder how everyone is able to afford to get married in this economy. Everytime I turn around, people, like Chris, are losing their jobs. Chris and I have been smart about our financial decisions, but I just do not want to put that added pressure on our relationship and our marriage our first year.

It's so complicated. I know that it is close. I can feel it now. It's within our grasp and we just have to keep reaching out until we grap it. And in the meantime, wait for it to be handed to us...in God's time.